On Choosing our Words.
One of the most important things we can do to care for our close relationships is to choose our words wisely. Our choice to use the words ‘always’ and ‘never’ without careful thought can be upsetting to the recipient and damaging to a relationship. They can be interpreted as a hurtful judgement of someone’s character; and there is almost always a better way to frame what you would like to say.
Examples:
“You always leave a mess. You never tidy up!”
“She’s always so pessimistic. She never has anything nice to say!”
The word “always” means as “at all times, and on all occasions”. The word “never” means “at no time, not in any degree, and under no condition”. If you find yourself making this accusation of someone’s behaviour, be it your partner, child, a friend, or a colleague – be sure that you are clear on what you mean, and of the impact of your words.
Three alternatives to try:
By simply substituting these two words with “often” you will find not only that you are being more accurate, but also that the recipient of your judgement may respond a little less defensively.
Lose the judgement completely, and do not make statements about someone’s character or behaviours, unless it is positive. (This excludes constructive criticism which can be important both to give and receive).
The words always and never are often used in frustration. Pause and take a few deep breaths, or a break, or a walk, and afterwards, consider if there is a different way of communicating what you would like to say; or if you still want to say anything at all.
Finally, imagine these two words being spun around and used only for positive, boosting character judgements:
I’ve never seen you leave a mess. You always tidy up!
I’ve never heard her be pessimistic. She always seems to have something nice to say!
We can all choose to watch our words with care, as well as our choice of tone. It is better to be nice; and to be fair and less judgemental of those that we are fortunate enough to call family and friends.
Leo Tolstoy said that "Real happiness is not in money, fame, or vanity, but in quietness, peace, and family harmony." Focusing on what we are able to give others rather than receive, and selecting our words mindfully are two meaningful ways to contribute to the family harmony that we seek.
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash