The 5 Love Languages.

By Gary Chapman.

The Secret to Love that Lasts.

My brother and his wife were given this book as part of their pre-marriage counselling, over fifteen years ago. I remember them mentioning it at the time, and saying how much the content made sense to them. I came across it in a bookstore last year and having been married for just over twenty years, thought that it was about time that I read it too! The principles in this book are solid, simple and surprisingly easy to put into practice. It makes perfect sense to me that love cannot last on momentum alone, and requires effort and the ongoing decision to express feelings, through words and actions, in ways that are meaningful and unique to each of our relationships.

I’ve summarized the key principles here, but the book is full of actual examples of relationships improving drastically through efforts in each of these languages;  and is well worth the read for the extra detail, as well as the self-reflection question and doable suggestions to be found at the end of each chapter. I have included only a few of the suggestions in the summary.

Chapters 1 – 3: Form an Introduction and Background:

With all the help available from experts, why have so few couples found the secret to keeping love alive? The fundamental truth is that people speak different love languages. We must learn the language of those who we wish to communicate love with. No matter how hard you try to express your love, if your partner does not understand it, you will not understand how to love each other. We must be willing to learn our partners primary language if we are to be effective communicators of love. The number of ways to express love within that language is limited only by the imagination! Seldom does a husband and wife have the same primary love language, and therein lies the challenge. The need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need. Failing partnerships have an inner emotional tank with the gauge that is running on empty. A full tank brings an emotional climate where differences can be discussed, and conflicts resolved.

At its peak the ‘in love’ experience is euphoric, and feels as if it will last forever. Reality intrudes, and the research shows that the average ‘in love’ experience last around two years. We can recognize the initial ‘in love’ for what it was, and choose to pursue ‘real love’ with our partner going forward. Real love is emotional in nature but not obsessional; it involves an act of will and requires discipline, and recognizes the need for personal growth. It is a choice to expend energy and an effort to benefit your partner. It is a rational, intentional and way of thinking: ‘I have chosen you, and I choose to look out for your interests.’

Love Language # 1: Words of Affirmation

• Words are important!

• Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love.

• When we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our partner desires.

• All of us have areas in which we feel insecure, or lack courage, and encouraging words can make all the difference.

• Kind words requires empathy, and seeing the world from our partners perspective.

• Our words can say one thing whilst our tone of voice can say another - tone is so important!

• Disappointment can be expressed with gentle directness, rather than anger or bitterness.

• Love does not keep a score of wrongs and bring up past failures. None of us is perfect.

• Don’t bring in today the failures of yesterday, and pollute the present.

• Learning to make our desires known in the form of a request rather than a demand.

• Try a week of acknowledgement and suspend the criticism.

Some suggestions:

1.     Give your spouse a different compliment each day for a month.

2.     Sincerely compliment your partner in the presence of others.

3.     Thank your partner for something they do routinely and wouldn’t expect to be complimented for.

Love Language # 2: Quality Time

• Choosing to spend quality time together is a powerful emotional communicator of love.

• Give your partner your undivided attention i.e. looking at each other and talking, devices put away, and giving each other full attention.

• Engaging in sympathetic dialogue where you are sharing your experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly and uninterrupted context.

• Requires learning to listen, rather than give advice and solutions.

• Tips for good listening:

o   Eye contact

o   Not doing anything else at the same time

o   Listening for feelings, and recognizing emotions

o   Observing body language

o   Refusing to interrupt

• Practice sharing what you are thinking and feeling, which is different from voicing thoughts. ‘I feel’ rather than ‘I think’.

• Time is a precious commodity. If your partner’s primary love language is quality time, they simply want to spend good time together.

• The activity that you choose is a vehicle that creates a sense of togetherness.

• Emphasis on being together, doing things together and giving each other undivided attention.

• The essential ingredients of a quality activity:

o   At least one of you wants to do it

o   The other is willing to do it

o   Both of you know why you are doing it (to express love being together)

Some suggestions:

1.     Ask your partner for a list of five activities they enjoy doing with you, and make plans to do one each month.

2.     Make time every day to share with each other some of the events of the day.

3.     Walk and talk, together.

Love Language # 3: Receiving Gifts

• A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say: ‘He was thinking of me’ or ‘She remembered me.’

• You must be thinking of someone to get them a gift, and the gift is a symbol of that thought, as an expression of love.

• Gifts can be visual symbols of love, and are more important to some people than to others.

• The cost matters little, and they can be purchased, found or made. Their worth has nothing to do with monetary value, and everything to do with love.

• The gift of self is being there when your partner needs you, and your presence becomes the symbol of your love.

Some Suggestions:

1.     Offer the gift of presence during an especially hard time for your partner, by helping to lighten their load.

2.     Make a handmade gift – a card, a drawing, a carving – that requires time and effort.

3.     Use 12 days of Christmas as inspiration – and give 12 days of gifts.

Love Language # 4: Acts of Service

• In this case, ‘actions speak louder than words’.

• Doing things you know your partner would like you to do -  you seek to please by serving i.e. cooking a meal, sitting a table, seeing a dishwasher, picking up a prescription, paying bills, getting the car washed.

• They require thought, planning, time, effort and energy; and if they are done with a positive spirit, they become expressions of love.

• It is easy to work at the wrong things – choose to do what is important for each other.

• Success lies in making requests rather than demands.

Some Suggestions:

1.     Consider serving someone or something your spouse loves: an older relative, a pet, or a cause.

2.     Ask your spouse to make a list of 10 things he or she would like for you to do during the next month, with number one being the most important. Use the list to plan a month of demonstrating your love.

3.     Run interference for your spouse during a favourite activity of these i.e. , by taking care of phone calls, children’s demands etc.

Love Language # 5: Physical Touch

• A powerful form of communication, and feeling secure in your love.

• The absence of touch can be an indicator that things are not right in a relationship.

• It’s about understanding what forms of affection are important, and takes time and clear communication.

• Physical touch is a validation of being wanted and attractive.

• Physical touch is so important in times of crisis. Crises are more manageable if we feel loved, and they are a unique opportunity for expressing love.

Some Suggestions:

1.     Try impromptu hugs for no reason at all, other than to communicate love.

2.     When you sit next to each other, sometimes reach out and hold your partners hand.

3.     Reach out and touch your partner in the presence of others – a simple hand on the arm can be a meaningful validation.

Final Chapter and Thoughts:

Some of these suggestions may seem cringe-worthy and simplistic; but they are surprisingly meaningful in the right context; and if the result is a partner that feels more loved, they must be worth the effort.

Some individuals will not instantaneously know their own love language and that of their spouse. These three questions will give you strong clues:

·      Is there anything that my partner does that hurts me deeply?

·      What have most often requested of my spouse?

·      What do I do and say to love to my partner? 

Chapman refers to the biblical quote ‘Give, and it will be given to you.’ We each come to marriage with different personalities, histories, emotional experiences, expectations, approaches and opinions. We all have the capacity to make poor choices; but poor choices in the past does not mean we must make them in the future. When we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our partner, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures. If your partners love language is not natural for you, decide to do it anyway, in the interests of your relationship, and the happiness of your spouse.

This book reminded me that ‘love’ is far more a verb than a noun; and as with most actions, it’s up to us to decide to take the steps required, for a result that well rewards the effort.

 Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash.